Last week two more prominent people in their industries took their own lives. You may have heard about fashion designer, Kate Spade and TV Personality and Chef, Anthony Bourdain. My heart ached for both of them and the broken hearts they left behind.
These two people were in the limelight and, from an outsider’s perspective they looked like they had it all: Fame, Fortune, and Family. It makes me wonder what happened to these two souls that death was a better option than life? Sadly, I’m reminded that depression does not discriminate.
This isn’t the first time that I’ve mourned a death of a celebrity. My heart has broken over news of stars like Kurt Cobain, Robin Williams, and Chris Cornell, to name a few. And, I’m no stranger to mourning the death of someone I personally knew that died by their own hand. The rising death tolls due to suicide is alarming. When I was growing up you didn't hear about suicide as much as you do today and you certainly didn't speak of depression or anxiety.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety on and off for years. Some of my darkest days happened during a time that should have been one the happiest times in my life - right after the birth of my daughter. I had awful postpartum depression and I felt so guilty about the way I was feeling. I was supposed to feel happy that God blessed me with a beautiful, healthy baby girl, but instead I felt like Winnie-the-Pooh’s pal, Eeyore, and had dark cloud accompanying me everywhere I went.
I spent the last week in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico celebrating my sister’s final days of being single. The trip was an absolute blast. We were blessed with great weather, a good group of girls, and lots of fun times that resulted in many inside jokes that will last for years to come.
And while I had a great time, the mindset work that I had to do before and during the trip was a bit intense. I felt myself constantly reframing the thoughts in my head. I had to remind my self to stop playing that awful comparison game. You know the one that we sometimes play when we aren’t necessarily feeling like the best version of ourselves?
As the trip got closer and closer my anxiety rose, almost to the point where I considered backing out. The thought of having to wear a bathing suit in public was mortifying. I’m not exactly as thin as I once was thanks to Hashimoto’s, my poorly functioning adrenals and pituitary issues, but I didn’t take in account how far I’ve come in the last few years. Nor did I take in account how hard I've worked to love and accept my body as it is. I just kept thinking of how my inherited, pear-shaped figure along with my auto-immune conditions were a curse.
I was going to be with a group of gorgeous, fit girls and wasn’t sure where I fit in, body wise. My confidence was shot. Finally the day came where I had to go shopping for the trip. All the swim suits that were in my drawer were bikinis and way too small or unflattering for my body. WTF, was I going to do?!
I grabbed my trusty, if not biased, advisor (my awesome boyfriend) and headed to the mall. I was shocked to realize that I found not one but several swim suits that I loved and that looked super cute on me. I got several nods of approval from my guy. Shopping had it’s ups and downs. The things I wanted to wear I couldn’t yet fit into or I was discouraged by the size of clothes that I needed to get, but I ended up finding some really cute things. By the time I was packing for my trip I was feeling pretty damn good until we landed in Cabo and I had to get ready to hit the pool.